I got to visit Liam's class for Mother's Day. Here he is writing in his journal.

Spring is here, finally.  We just had a beautiful weekend, sunny, warm, inviting.  Unfortunately I spent a great deal of it inside trying to prepare for a yard sale.  This isn’t an ordinary yard sale.  It’s a village yard sale in Sackets Harbor that happens every year.  It’s well attended so the promise of actually selling stuff is good.

I usually like reorganizing things in the house and preparing for things like this.  However, the task undoubtedly has a more depressing tone to it this year. I find myself wanting to get rid of more, anything and everything that brings a hurtful or even happy memory to the surface.  I tend to be far too sentimental about these things. Take, for instance, a Lord of the Rings board game which to most people is just that…a board game, but to me it’s intimate hours sitting with my loved one on the floor of my Savannah apartment, trying to make sense of a rather confusing set of instructions which we ultimately ditched in favor of our own made-up rules. If I can rid myself of the tokens of my past than perhaps I can make the past fade away, thereby making the present hurt a little less.  It’s twisted thinking, but it tends to be where your mind is during times like these.

In all else, things are quite good. We all seem to be adjusting fairly well to our new routine.  Liam still asks questions every so often but seems to understand that he is loved but just has to endure a bit of hectic scheduling throughout the week.  He just started playing T-ball.  He absolutely loves it! We also have a trip to Washington D.C. planned in the near future, which he’s already getting excited about.  I’m pretty sure I’m going to make a traveler out of him yet.

I also just finished my first semester for my Post-Masters at San Jose State University.  The degree is designed to support current librarians add a little beef to their resume, especially in terms of information/web technology.  The whole degree is done online, which is kind of a new experience for me.  I did do online classes when I was completing my MLIS but that was back before things had gotten sophisticated.  Or I should say “better” because my experience this time around was much more positive than my last.  It was still hard to stay motivated.  When you don’t have an actual physical class to attend, it’s easy to fall into the “out of sight, out of mind” syndrome.  I’ll be taking another class this summer.  It’s a condensed class so I’ll have to learn some discipline and stay on top of things.

I’m really looking forward to the summer.  I’ve been trying to create little goals for myself.  My current one is to finally drop some thirty pounds that I gained over the past few years.  A result of really unhealthy consumption habits.  This isn’t going to be an easy thing for me because I tend to turn to food for that “instant gratification” thing, especially in times of trial.  But I’m determined to overcome that.  I’m also trying, emphasis on the trying, to grow a garden. I’ve already planted a few root vegetables but I also want to plant actual flowers this year, perennials.  So, I’m heading to the Watertown Plant Fest this Saturday with a good friend, who actually knows what she’s doing when it comes to gardening.  Hopefully she can help me figure out what kind of foliage and flowers will grow best in my yard. I tend to fantasize a lot these days of sitting outside, surrounded by colors and tiny garden gnomes and buddhas scattered around me.  Ya.  We’ll see. :-)

We used to do quite a bit of traveling when I was a child.  Being able to visit a new place (or an old one, if we were going to see family) was exciting enough, but what I always look forward to most was the actual travel part, the mode of transportation whether plane, train, boat or car.  And of course, hotels.  Hotels were the best.

Just about to leave the station in Syracuse

I assume most children are like this.  Liam certainly is.  When we started planning for our trip to Philadelphia, we chose train on purpose, despite the fact that we knew we could drive there in much less time.  I have to admit, traveling by train is a favorite for me.  The melodic rocking of a train is soothing but bares a constant reminder that I am going somewhere, I am riding towards a destination. It was Liam’s first time riding a train. I loved watching his little face while we settled ourselves into our seats.  So wide eyed, taking in another new experience.

To get to Philadelphia we had to travel first to New York City.  I’ve been to Penn Station a few times now.  I still get nervous trying to find my way around there and it’s harder still when you’re trying to keep an eye on a five year old who is far too enamored by his surroundings to follow his mother’s instructions to stay close to her side.

Once we arrived in Philadelphia we took a taxi to our hotel.  Another first for Liam.  Our hotel was awesome, the perfect location.  It also had a spa and pool on the basement floor which my mom and I took full advantage of (well, the spa anyway, while Liam was in the pool with mofa).

We tried to keep our sight seeing low key.  The first day was dedicated to Liam.  We started out at the Please Touch museum followed by the zoo.  I’m pretty sure the tiger was his favorite.  Wow, what beautiful creatures.

Please Touch Children’s Museum

The next day was spent taking in some of the historical features of the city, via a lovely horse carriage ride.  Our carriage driver also happened to be a retired high school history teacher, born and raised in the City of Brotherly Love.  He had just as much pride for his city as he had a passion for its history.  We also visited the Bruce Springsteen exhibit at the National Convention Center.  More exciting for me than it was for Liam but now he knows exactly who I’m talking about when I tell him “lets listen to The Boss”.

Bruce Springsteen Exhibit at the National Convention Center

Philadelphia is definitely a city I could get used to living in, although the high murder rate does kinda suck.  But there’s plenty to overshadow that particular statistic. Reading Market for one.  The perfect blend of history and modern.  The restaurants.

Reading Market

On our way back we had a long layover at Penn Station, so I decided to take Liam for a speedy walk down to Madison Square.  It took every ounce of self restraint not to stop at H&M or Forever 21.  Instead, we stopped at Toys R’ Us (where Liam convinced me to buy him yet another stuffed animal) and the M&M store.

Liam’s impression of the Statue of Liberty.

The whole trip was awesome! Another wonderful memory to keep close.  Our next trip will be to Washington D.C. This one will be extra special as my mom is going to be knighted by the Norwegian Ambassador for all the work she has done with her Warsailors website.  My parents rock. Just sayin.

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My life has always been generally absent of drama.  I worked hard to steer clear of it the best I could but I suppose these things have a way of finding you regardless.  This whole year has been full of dramatic events.  Our family has struggled through it.  It’s true what they say, there’s something about pain that brings people together.

We’re about to embark on one of the biggest struggles of our lives. My husband and I are getting a divorce.  It’s a double edged sword, that moment you realize that there simply is no chance of reconciliation with someone. The sadness takes you places that you never thought you’d go, yet the affirmation once declared that “this is it, we’re broken and we can’t fix it” is strangely liberating.  We can now move on to the next phase of this journey.  At the center of that journey is Liam.  We rally around him and protect him from the sharp edges that this process will surely expose.

The hardest part so far, has simply been getting used to the emptiness in the house.  The nights are the worst.  You had a routine with each other or, depending on tasks needing to be done, routines apart.  Whatever it was there was always the same ending, a kiss goodnight and an “I love you”.  You don’t realize how much you take comfort in these little routines until they’ve been stopped so abruptly.  You find yourself standing in the middle of your bedroom with your hand on your hips thinking “what did I forget, there’s something missing here”.  Why yes, there is.  Half your life has just walked out the door.

In times like these you turn to friends and family for support.  I think we’re very lucky that we both have that right now.  I’m also finding solace in creative tasks.  It’s funny how events like this will trigger the impulse to pour feelings into an expression of art.  I feel oddly energized.  I have all these plans, to repaint rooms and start new hobbies.  I hurt, but I feel positive.  I don’t know how things will be a month from now.  I know many people say that a divorce gets messy quick, even when you don’t mean for it to.  That maybe so, and I will prepare for a struggle but I also choose to believe in a positive outcome for all of us.  What remains constant is our love for our child and I choose to believe that by focusing on that love we will choose the best path to living separate lives while successful providing Liam with the love and care that he needs.

In the end, I don’t really have control over the outcome.  But I do over control over my feelings and how I act on them. That is where I need to focus my energy for now.  One step at a time, a day at a time.

Let me start with the weather….

Putting the “sun” back in Sunday.

Getting above 70 degrees means I can take my shoes and socks off and run barefoot in the grass. It was still a little wet and squishy but completely worth it. I wore summer skirts and t-shirts all weekend, opened all the windows and watched Liam play with the neighbor kids in the front yard through our the screen door.

Liam with new bike. Note attachable lunch bag and Spider-Man helmet.

Speaking of Liam, it was a big weekend for him. He got a brand new bike on Saturday, complete with helmet and attachable lunch bag and drinking thermos. This is his first real, bonafide bike. I took him to the park to ride a little but the hills proved slightly overwhelming so we’re focusing on mastering our skills on our driveway for now.

Currently reading

I’ve been trying to spend every spare moment I can finishing A Discovery of Witches for book club this Friday. As always, the vampire character is slightly annoying…I would love to read a book about vampires that didn’t make the central male character into such an overly controlling chivalrous GQ type. But the rest of the book is so good, I’ve managed to ignore most of his annoying traits by imagining him as John Rhys Myers. Works like a charm.

Work is finally starting to slow down a bit. My to-do list is slightly less overwhelming.  I have to admit that the busyness has made me more tired and cranky than normal and I confided in Mike over the weekend (while in a haze, falling into a much needed long afternoon nap) that what I really need is everyone to leave the house for twenty-four hours so I can truly get time for myself, lazy time that doesn’t require me to get dressed or go anywhere.  Women like to talk about a “girl’s day out” where they get pedicures and massages. That’s nice and all but to me relaxing means staying at home, reading on the couch, watching re-runs of Murder She Wrote, drinking large quantities of tea and probably some crafts or collaging. So, last night Mike reminded me that Mother’s Day is coming up this weekend and he would see if he could make my little fantasy a reality and take Liam camping or something for a day.  It may not work out since we both have jobs and a life that often get in the way of these things but hey, I have a husband who actually tries to make these things happen and for that I’m super thankful.