To have and to hold

My life has always been generally absent of drama.  I worked hard to steer clear of it the best I could but I suppose these things have a way of finding you regardless.  This whole year has been full of dramatic events.  Our family has struggled through it.  It’s true what they say, there’s something about pain that brings people together.

We’re about to embark on one of the biggest struggles of our lives. My husband and I are getting a divorce.  It’s a double edged sword, that moment you realize that there simply is no chance of reconciliation with someone. The sadness takes you places that you never thought you’d go, yet the affirmation once declared that “this is it, we’re broken and we can’t fix it” is strangely liberating.  We can now move on to the next phase of this journey.  At the center of that journey is Liam.  We rally around him and protect him from the sharp edges that this process will surely expose.

The hardest part so far, has simply been getting used to the emptiness in the house.  The nights are the worst.  You had a routine with each other or, depending on tasks needing to be done, routines apart.  Whatever it was there was always the same ending, a kiss goodnight and an “I love you”.  You don’t realize how much you take comfort in these little routines until they’ve been stopped so abruptly.  You find yourself standing in the middle of your bedroom with your hand on your hips thinking “what did I forget, there’s something missing here”.  Why yes, there is.  Half your life has just walked out the door.

In times like these you turn to friends and family for support.  I think we’re very lucky that we both have that right now.  I’m also finding solace in creative tasks.  It’s funny how events like this will trigger the impulse to pour feelings into an expression of art.  I feel oddly energized.  I have all these plans, to repaint rooms and start new hobbies.  I hurt, but I feel positive.  I don’t know how things will be a month from now.  I know many people say that a divorce gets messy quick, even when you don’t mean for it to.  That maybe so, and I will prepare for a struggle but I also choose to believe in a positive outcome for all of us.  What remains constant is our love for our child and I choose to believe that by focusing on that love we will choose the best path to living separate lives while successful providing Liam with the love and care that he needs.

In the end, I don’t really have control over the outcome.  But I do over control over my feelings and how I act on them. That is where I need to focus my energy for now.  One step at a time, a day at a time.



5 responses

  1. I’m so sorry to hear it Carleen but also kinda proud of you both. It’s hard to come to terms with such things and it demands strength, courage and a whole lotta love to look it in the eye. I really wish you both good luck.

  2. Carleen – I’m in the midst of some struggles in my long-term marriage, so your blog resonated with me. I don’t know yet what our outcome will be but I hope I make the right decision. I admire your courage and willingness to share what you’re going through. My thoughts are with you.

  3. I think you are an incredibly strong woman to keep such a positive outlook, Carleen. I haven’t known you for long and we haven’t yet had the chance to become close, but I have come to really like you and I am here if I can help in any way. Plus, there’s always book group to look forward to!

  4. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re both going through something painful and tough. I wish you peace and grace on this difficult journey, and I hope you know that I am here if you ever need to chat about anything. Lots of love to you, Mike, and Liam. <3

  5. Thinking about you. Would love to catch sometime soon. I think about my tea drinking soul friend from
    Norway quite a bit. Hope you are well. Much love!

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